Toddler Tantrums: What Is Normal and What Actually Helps

The AAP calls tantrums a normal part of development and places them mostly between the ages of one and three. Beyond that the sources do not quite agree, and the disagreement is worth knowing because it explains why friends with children the same age report such different things.

On the start, the NHS says around 18 months, MedlinePlus says anywhere from 12 months, and the AAP says from age one. On the end, the AAP says they tend to get better after three, the NHS says they are far less common by four, and MedlinePlus says they continue, less often, from three to five and rarely happen after five. Read together, a first tantrum at 13 months and a last one at four and a half are both inside the official range.

Frequency is the same story. MedlinePlus describes tantrums that happen at least once a day as part of the typical picture, and the AAP notes plainly that some children throw a lot of them and some hardly any. A child at either end is not telling you much on that basis alone.

Words come first. The NHS and MedlinePlus both tie tantrums to a child who has feelings but not yet the vocabulary for them, and the NHS adds the encouraging corollary: once a child can talk more, they are less likely to have tantrums. If few words seem to be the bigger part of the picture, our page on what to do if your toddler is not talking yet covers that separately.

Control is the second. MedlinePlus describes a toddler’s growing wish for control showing up as a lot of saying no, which is the same push for independence the 30-month guide describes from the other side.

Then the ordinary physical ones: being tired, hungry or unwell makes tantrums both worse and more frequent, and the AAP adds that they become more common while a child is struggling to master a new skill. Zero to Three puts an age on the deeper reason: until about three and a half to four, children do not yet have the impulse control to stop themselves, even when they can tell you the rule. The 23-month guide covers that gap between knowing a rule and following it.

The CDC’s emotion coaching guidance starts with one step before any other: make sure your child and everyone nearby is safe. Only then does it move on to noticing the feeling, staying with it, and naming it, and it warns that rushing to solve the problem too soon can dismiss what your child feels. Zero to Three makes the same point from the other direction, saying that skipping the acknowledgement and going straight to reassurance may simply fuel the tantrum.

Your own state is part of the method rather than a footnote to it. The NHS and MedlinePlus both say that shouting back does not end a tantrum and makes the situation worse, and the CDC’s suggestion for the parent is concrete: a pause can be as short as three deep breaths. The AAP’s version is to give yourself a break when you need one.

When you do say something, keep it short. Zero to Three’s advice is to set the limit with as little emotion and as few words as you can, and the CDC frames the principle underneath: every feeling is acceptable, and not every behaviour is. Naming the feeling out loud is the start of a skill the 31-month guide follows as it develops.

For the youngest toddlers, the CDC’s 18-month page suggests a calm-down spot at home rather than a punishment, with you staying nearby so your child knows they are safe.

This is the question where the popular answer is the most confident and the official one is the least. The CDC’s 18-month page says you can try distraction but that it is fine to ignore the tantrum, and MedlinePlus presents ignoring as a way to shorten one. The CDC’s own parenting resource is narrower: it describes planned ignoring as most effective for minor behaviours such as whining or interrupting, and for emotional situations it points parents to emotion coaching instead.

Where every source agrees is the exception. The AAP says not to ignore hitting, kicking, biting or throwing, and the CDC says dangerous and destructive behaviour should never be ignored. A child who hits during a tantrum is not unusual, and the NHS is explicit that it does not mean they will grow up to be aggressive, but the hitting gets a response even when the shouting does not.

If you do use ignoring, the CDC gives two details most advice leaves out. Expect the behaviour to get worse before it gets better, because it has stopped working. And return your attention the moment it stops, which is the half that teaches anything.

The NHS says giving in will not help in the long term and that you should not switch a no to a yes to end a tantrum, and the CDC’s resource says that giving in rewards it. The AAP’s consumer page is softer than both: sometimes you have to give in a little to settle yourself, and that is fine, so long as you stay consistent from day to day. The sources agree on the consistency and differ on the occasional exception.

Time-out is less of a default toddler tool than it is often made to sound. The CDC’s time-out page sits in a resource written for parents of two to four year olds, is aimed at dangerous, harmful or rule-breaking behaviour, and does not mention tantrums. The AAP suggests short time-outs for toddlers if needed. Where it is used, both give the same length, about one minute per year of age, and the CDC adds rules that are easy to miss: never a closet, no lecturing or arguing, and protests during it are ignored.

The one point of complete agreement is what not to do. The AAP advises that parents should not spank or hit children, says spanking often increases aggression and anger, and says the same holds for yelling and shaming. The CDC lists spanking, yelling and embarrassing a child as unhealthy responses.

Most of the preventive advice is about timing rather than technique. The AAP suggests anticipating the triggers you already know, like being tired or hungry, and keeping a healthy snack on hand if hunger is the pattern. Zero to Three suggests warning your child before an activity is about to end rather than ending it on them.

Choices help when they are real ones. The CDC’s 18-month page suggests giving simple choices, and MedlinePlus adds the rule that makes them work: do not offer a choice when one does not truly exist.

In public, which the NHS notes is where tantrums often happen, MedlinePlus suggests moving your child somewhere quiet, such as the car or a restroom, and the NHS suggests ignoring the looks from people around you and concentrating on staying calm.

Some tantrums have a home elsewhere on this site. Ones at bedtime and in the night often line up with the 18-month sleep regression, the boundary-testing kind, and ones at nursery drop-off are usually separation anxiety doing what it does at that age.

The AAP’s list of reasons to contact your child’s doctor, as given on MedlinePlus, has four parts: tantrums that get worse or happen frequently after age five; a child who injures themselves or others, or destroys property, during tantrums; holding their breath during tantrums, especially with fainting; and tantrums that come with other changes such as nightmares, going backwards on toilet training, headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, refusing to eat or go to bed, or clinging. Notice what is not on it: how long a tantrum lasts, how loud it is, or having them in public.

Breath-holding deserves its own line because it frightens parents most. MedlinePlus describes breath-holding spells as not thought to be a willful act of defiance, even though they often happen during tantrums, and says children usually outgrow them by four to eight. During one, keep your child somewhere they cannot fall or be hurt. It lists calling emergency services if a child stops breathing or has trouble breathing, or has a seizure lasting more than a minute.

Parents also search for whether tantrums are a sign of autism. The CDC’s page on the signs of autism does not list tantrums. It does list being upset by minor changes and unusual mood or emotional reactions, among mostly social and communication signs, and it ends by saying to contact your child’s doctor if you have any concerns. That is the right route for any worry here, and this page is not a substitute for it.